Dream-leaving

It's the most fascinating thing for me to catch snatches of conversation that's constantly happening all around me.
"She's a completely heartless woman."
"I am sorry to call you at this time but..."
"Where's the pregnancy case?"

I am never interested in the whole conversation. Well, almost never. But these snatches, the emotion that fills the voice, sometimes the way the line just hangs in the air -- either because there's no reply or because suddenly the sound level around has dropped or because the speaker decided to talk louder than the rest -- are all individual worlds for me.
The voids are all festering planets on their own.
There's venom, there's pain, passion, boredom, lies, excitement, defeat -- so much in these voices around me and I wonder what their lives are like.
They can't be very different from mine.
Which brings me to another kind of revelation. Of late, I've started realising that, essentially, all human beings are the same. Whether they're xenophobic or old or speak another language or follow a guru who asks them to marry a Siberian who doesn't have any English -- we are all the same.
It reminds of that ironic statement I've often heard pepper-uppers use -- "Don't feel bad. You're unique. Everyone's unique." It used to make me cringe when others had the same things as I did -- dimples, balls, spine, individualism, clothes, hair, accessories. (That was before I realised I wear them much better than they do :D!) But as I grow, I realise it's alright. Everything is. But even now I won't buy anything I see with someone else, unless I make a great effort and actually need it.

*****

Office party last night.
I didn't go. I know I sound classist as hell. I couldn't go because I've suddenly become aware of the PLT and PLU separation in my head. I mean, getting drunk, throwing up, groping girls who repeatedly ask you to stay away is not my idea of a good time.
And a brawl makes it just worse.


Last night I was worried if they'd think that I thought too much of myself to associate with them -- this morning I am not worried. I'd rather they think I thought the world of myself than talk to anyone who pretends to be smashed and hits other people. And oh, it helps that they think I am a floozy :) That's always a good thing.

*****

I realised many times hating the place one works in is not a symptom of the job being less than enjoyable. It's usually a symptom of being disturbed about the place you are in life.

And many times, my own troubles seem miniscule when I see how much trouble people like Demi Moore are having. Poor cow, she's spent more than Rs 2 crore on her body and no one but Ashton Kutcher wants her for anything! Tch.

*****

I keep wondering about people.
I keep wondering what motivates them to do the things they do or don't do.

Sometimes, I just sit there and look around me and it amazes me that I understand even one percent of what I am made of.

I wonder what this woman was thinking. Or going through.
Or the man in question.
And why hasn't he filed a complaint?
It made me sad to read it.

And then I read something else and I was just wondering what the difference between both the women was. And if there was a difference. Also do I have both of those women in me?

Just wondering.

Chanced upon this old favourite of mine.

LIFE

I.


I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -- don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

-- Emily Dickinson.


The rest of the collection, if you are interested, is here.

Quicksilver Nirvana

I've come to a place
That's green and misty
Where joy is a pimple-ripe fruit
In a garden
That's taller than me.
Where purple fish fly peacefully
Across a yellow moon

That disrobes its light
Into an enchanted pool
Where I see a bright green lizard.
Its eyes bigger than the fingernail moon
Its smile cleaving its arrow face,
And beckoning me to step in.

I refuse.

I am in place
Where joy drizzles like salt crystals
In slow motion
Or perhaps snowflakes through a microscope
I can't really say.

Still smiling, the lizard
Comes undone, fading deep into
The starry blue pond
Leaving strains of a hopeful melody.

And for just an instant
In the circular echo of the pool
I see all I want from life
Written in picture-script
A little like Chinese.

A quick breath
And they disappear slower than they came
As the fading lizard drags away with it
All that I think I ought to know
In this life and others.

September 07